New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
