No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
