Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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