morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
