can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
