Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
