We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
