Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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