Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
