don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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