I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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