it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
