Your face is a jimmy john
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
