Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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