we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
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