i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
The Olympian is in my bed
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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