You're completely useless in the revolution.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
