She just used a chaser for red wine.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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