Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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