New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
