so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
