I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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