Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
