If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
