Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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