Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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