Apparently you make a good broom.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
