New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
