Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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