She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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