dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Ambien. No doubt about it.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize