3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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