sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
