There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
