i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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