I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
