So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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