Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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