If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize