You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize