I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
