The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize