I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You pole danced in your parka.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
