I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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