He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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