this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Randomize