I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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