i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
