Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
