my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
