Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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