ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Randomize
