and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
