Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Fuck appropriateness.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
