I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize